35 Questions to a Connected Marriage

Back in January, we challenged our Instagram followers to a 30-day Intimacy Challenge to help create a better marriage in a month. This week we have come up with simple conversation starters to get you and your partner talking on a more intimate, vulnerable level, hopefully creating a more connected relationship. We hope people will talk about these fill-in-the-blank questions for at least 10 minutes (which is 2 minutes longer than what the average American couple spends in nightly conversation!!). Of course, if these spark further discussion and you end up talking longer, bonus! Go out and treat yourselves to a fabulous date night for all your hard work and over-achieving. Remember, leave out the conversations about finances, children, schedules and work. This is purely time for you and your partner to get to know each other better. Even for those of you who have been together for 30 or 40 years, we hope you learn something new. 

Some couples make up lots of excuses to not sit down and do these check-ins:  too busy, no babysitters, kids interrupting, (Ha!  My child just literally walked in the door while I was writing that one.), one spouse is not into it, it may lead to a fight, we don’t know what to say, etc. Well, we have helped with the check-in starters.  It’s your turn to grab your partner after the kids are in bed, prioritize your mate DAILY for ONE MONTH and see what happens. If it leads to a fight, keep reading our blog to figure out what to do to get reconnected. You may be surprised what a few simple questions can do to bring back the spark you have been missing.

There are 35 questions below, which means if a question is too intense, scary, shameful or a potential minefield, you can move on to the next question, make up your own question, change the question to better suit your coupleship, or do all 35 and extend your month!!  A strongly suggested guideline is to ASK the question and LISTEN to your partner. Don’t judge, correct, criticize, shame, blame or try to change. LISTEN. Then expect the same from your partner.

  1. One of the happiest memories I have of us is…
  2. One thing that makes me fearful is…
  3. I really love it when you…
  4. I feel cared about when you…
  5. One thing I wish we did more of…
  6. The scariest time/thing I’ve ever been through is…
  7. I’m sorry for…
  8. If I could re-do our last fight here’s what I would do…
  9. If my inner child could talk it would say…
  10. I am so proud of you for…
  11. The hardest I remember laughing lately is…
  12. You make me smile when you…
  13. You make me laugh when you…
  14. A sad memory I have that you helped me through was…
  15. One thing I hope our future holds…
  16. Someone in my life that I feel disappointed by is…
  17. One way I’m like my mother or father is…
  18. Three of the things I love about you most is…
  19. I hope we spend more time doing…
  20. When I feel anxious, something I would like you to do is…
  21. When I am sad something I’d like you to do is…
  22. One thing I wish I said more to you is…
  23. I love it when we spend time doing…
  24. Please do more of…
  25. One way I feel sexually turned on by you is…
  26. A couple ways I feel supported by you in parenting is…
  27. I feel like a true priority in your life when you…
  28. Please don’t ever stop…
  29. A trip I would love to take with you this year is…
  30. I really like this about your family…
  31. I feel most understood by you when you…
  32. One of the best gifts you’ve ever given me has been…
  33. My favorite compliment you’ve ever given me is…
  34. Let’s make us a priority tonight by…
  35. What is one thing I can do to serve you?

If you think this check-in process is fun, and at the end feel more connected, do more. One of my favorite books to get conversations going is The Book of Questions or The Book of Questions Sex and Love (a bit racier and adventurous), both by Gregory Stock.

Hey, it’s a lot cheaper than couples therapy, which you have to make time for, get a babysitter for, drag your spouse to, and prioritize in your busy life. Why not give it a try?

ADD Version

  • Prioritize your coupleship.
  • Use these conversation starters to create connection in your relationship, 10 minutes a day for 30 days.
  • See what happens!

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