Couples with a satisfying, long-term sex life didn’t just get lucky. They didn’t wake up after 25 years of marriage with high desire for each other out of nowhere. In fact, a satisfying married sex life doesn’t rely on libido or desire nearly as much as people think.
Relying on your body to “feel motivated” is a bad plan for most things in life — sex included. Success usually comes from good habits, not motivation. Habits kick in when motivation doesn’t show up. As a marriage counselor, I love that there are so many simple, concrete ways to protect or revive your sex life.
If your sexual relationship with your partner is abusive or coercive in any way, this list isn’t for you. Please find an individual therapist who specializes in abusive relationships.
Good Sex Habits
Pick one or two of these to focus on — you don’t need to overhaul everything at once.
Exercise
Being active gives you more energy for sex and can make you feel more comfortable in your body — which boosts desire too.
Self-care
Shower, groom, brush and floss, keep up with checkups. Not feeling clean or fresh leads to a lot of quick “no’s.” Don’t treat sex like swimsuit season you have to get ready for. Treat it more like exercise or eating healthy. If you exercise clothes are clean and set out you are more likely to go work-out. If your pantry is full of healthy snack options you are more likely to eat healthy. Do the things for your self-care that make you intimacy – ready without a lot of work.
Emotional connection
If most of your conversation is “shop talk” — groceries, carpool, air filters — your partner may not feel close enough to want sex. Building emotional connection isn’t hard, and it takes far less effort than trying to convince a partner who doesn’t feel close to you to have sex.
Division of labor
If one partner carries the lion’s share of household and parenting duties, they likely have little energy — or patience — left for sex. Stay in regular dialogue about the load you’re each carrying, and fix real imbalances before they turn into resentment.
Resolve hurts
Unresolved hurt kills libido. Bring things up in a way that actually heals. Good repair and good sex go hand in hand — and if you and your partner never fight, hurt feelings are probably piling up unaddressed.
Don’t ignore your sex life
It’s tempting to avoid the topic when you don’t know where to go next. If you keep getting stuck, learn together — try Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, or the podcast Brave Love Great Sex. Most couples get stuck from a lack of information, not because the problem is unsolvable. For specialized issues — pain, ED, menopause, past sexual trauma — see a specialist: a sex therapist, OB-GYN, Primacy care physician or trauma-informed clinician.
Fun and laughter
It’s hard to flip a switch from serious, task-focused adults into playful, sexual ones. If you’re not laughing and being silly together elsewhere in life, it’s hard to conjure that up just for sex.
Be Sexually Mature
A satisfying, long-term sex life takes maturity — in how you think about sex and how you talk about it. Ask yourself: if someone overheard you and your partner discussing sex, would it sound mature? Immaturity looks like pouting when you don’t get sex, taking jabs about drive or lack of it, initiating in disrespectful ways, or shutting the conversation down. Here are a few, mature perspectives grounded in sexual research — and there are plenty more where these came from:
Mature, research-grounded perspectives
- There’s more to sex than penetration or orgasm. Many people experience responsive desire — their body needs the right conditions before interest kicks in. That’s normal biology, not a problem to fix.
- Expecting identical desire — same frequency, same style, same timing — is like expecting you and your partner to get hungry at the exact same moment. Expect differences, and learn to navigate them.
- Sex isn’t a need your partner owes you. Framing it that way adds pressure, and pressure kills desire. If you have the higher drive, own it warmly — “I’m lucky to want you this much” — instead of turning it into an obligation.
- It’s normal to have a high drive, a low drive, or a drive that’s changed over time. There’s a wide range of “normal.”
- Waiting for both partners to have energy at the same moment — usually right before sleep — is a bad plan. Find the window when you each naturally have more energy, and use it.
- Consistent, planned sex is common in great long-term sex lives. Waiting for spontaneous mutual desire isn’t a sustainable strategy.
- Most marriages go through sexually difficult seasons — illness, postpartum, grief, menopause. Couples who meet these seasons with compassion, flexibility, and communication tend to bounce back stronger.
- Assuming other couples have it easier is misinformed, and it quietly shames you or your partner. Most couples struggle at some point — working through it builds real momentum.
- There’s no single “right” amount or style of sex. Some couples thrive on very little; others on a lot. What matters is mutual satisfaction, not a benchmark.
- Screen sex isn’t real sex. Real sex can be awkward, take time, require foreplay, and rarely end in simultaneous orgasm — and that’s completely normal.
Decide That Your Sexuality Is Worth Valuing
“Every action is a vote for the type of person you want to become.” — James Clear, Atomic Habits
If you value a satisfying married sex life, build habits that match the couple who wants that — the list above is a good place to start. And if you value your own sexuality as something worth nurturing — especially on days your body doesn’t feel cooperative — try building a few of these into your life too:
Ways to nurture your own sexuality
- Dress in something that makes you feel good
- Wear a scent you love — lotion, perfume, cologne
- Get a massage
- Think about what turns you on
- Be playful and laugh
- Let yourself feel desire in small ways first — a cozy blanket, a warm bath — and let it build
- Revisit positive sexual memories
- Watch a romantic movie or read something romantic, and enjoy the build-up
- Notice what you find sexy or sexually interesting
- Notice when a sexual thought crosses your mind in a positive way
- Find a peer whose sexual confidence you admire — what could you borrow from them?
Our health, our relationships, our careers, our kids — all of these things require nurture and care. Our sex lives are no exception.
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